ROASM on Xanga

Weekly Weigh In's

Haven't Had the first one yet :P

Friday, 31 December 2010

Early morning panic attack #387476345.....

It's happening again. I mean I have always been nervous about this but lately my whole nerves thing is getting more and more frequent. I don't understand why, since it's not like I've been doing any worse in school, infact I'm on break right now.

The last time I had an episode like this was christmas eve/christmas day around 4am. I was up for over an hour, and that isn't even a week ago. I know that a week before that I expierenced something similar. I guess I would describe my panic episodes and like a sudden sickening realization that I might not be able to do it, that I might fail. It's upsetting to think about what other people will think and how I will feel about myself. My stomache turns and my head starts a war.

You have a 3.84, your grades are fine. But I haven't taken my hardest classes yet. What if I can't get letters of recommendation? What if I suck up to Mary Bee all I can and she stills says no. Your own mother thinks it's dumb that you want to try to become a doctor. People are annoyed that you are so arrogant that you think you can go to medical school. Infact they would be happy to see you fail because it will make them feel satisfied that someone who decided to reach higher than them failed.

I'm worried about time this semester. 3 classes and a lab, working three nights a week. Part of the volunteer service org. I'd like to do three volunteer service events. I want my first letter of recommendation, I want to call wayne to see if I have to take a general bio lab or if an anatomy lab counts. I need to figure out how to ask for a letter of recommendation. I want a 4.0 semester really badly. But as long as I get a 3.8 or above I will feel really good.

Honestly I think I need to go back to school. Sitting around and wondering if it's going to happen is driving me CRAZY. It's when I can actively see good grades and feel accomplished is when I'm going to feel at ease again.

I know that this whole self-doubt thing is like a negative black hole. I can feel is tearing through my self esteem. Lately I've noticed I've found other girls alot more intimidating, and I keep feeling like my boyfriend doesn't like me. I mean I don't know. Nothing between us has really changed, I just don't feel like hes exactly crazy about me. I mean I guess he doesn't care about me seeing me as much as he used to, but he is working full time. I don't even know if I am imagining things.

Tuesday, 21 December 2010

3.8 and One Year Anniversary!

I got my grades back, and I averaged a 3.8 this semester! This brings my average gpa down .02, but it's still not terrible. Average gpa is now a 3.84 and I will take that. I am excited and motivated for next semester. I am really interested in anatomy already, and i am happy that I will be taking dance appreciation class which will be an easy A hopefully. (Even if it's not I'll still probably get an A though :D) I am also ready to take on chemistry. I am really ready to redeem myself. I can't wait to work really hard and feel satisfied. I can't wait to get my first A on a chem test, and to be able to celebrate it with rawrberry.

Rawrberry's birthday was yesterday, he turned 20. I got him books for his birthday and so did everyone else. He's really happy lol. When I came over he showed me all his new books like they were little trophies. Most of them were math books filled with theories and problems. We had a great day of sex and debating. We finished off the evening talking about how happy we are with each other and how we hate so many other people. We watched an interesting movie and cuddled xD.

He got me a christmas charm bracelet and cat socks!! (Also a little cat puzzle, which really got me on a puzzle kick, I realy like puzzles!)

He really makes me feel proud to be myself. I feel like I can almost be completely honest with him, although I remain tactful of things that could hurt his feelings. I don't think it's good to be THAT honest. I'm really so fucking happy that we've been together a year. I feel like he brings out the best in me and inspires me to work hard at everything I do.

Fuzzy feelings aside, I have been doing some thinking about this new year coming up and the goals I want to achieve this new year. BUT I don't want until January 1st. I want to start working on them now.

Year 2011: List of reachable goals for this year!

Goal number 1: Act more mature and sophisticated.

Goal number 2: Lose weight until I weigh 117 or less this winter!

Goal number 3: Engage in at least two volunteer work opportunities winter AND fall semesters

Goal number 4: Work to attain a letter of recommendation during fall semester

Goal number 5: Optain copy of MCAT and spend time studying it 45 minutes a week after compeleting CHM 157

Goal number 6: Keep GPA as high as possible!!! But keep it at least above a 3.7

Monday, 29 November 2010

Diets and Exhaustion

Today I am very tired. I really really didn't want to go to biology, though i went anyway. Finals are next monday and tuesday. I am SOO ready to get them over with. Mostly just biology. Seriously, once the bio final is over I have nothing to worry about. HS 201 is cake, I will 4.0 the final like every other test in that class.

But yeah, today I felt tired and unmotivated. I read only 2 pages of biology and read two chapters in HS 201. I mean I still go shit done, but I feel like crap. Today wasn't a very exciting day to start my diet either. So here's the dealio.

I lost thirty pounds last year, (145 lbs to 115) and now I've gained about seven back. I weigh 124 lbs at night which means I probably weigh about 122 lbs in the morning. The last big ass diet I did I used morning weight, so even though I weighed 115 lbs in the morning I probably weighed more around 117 lbs at night. So keeping this is mind I think for this winter I would like to get down to 119 lbs at night, which would be about 117 lbs in the morning. I like to have more fat on me in the winter.

Winter night weight: 119

Spring/fall night weight: 117

Summer night weight: 115

Seems very good for now. I might want to go a lb lighter, but probably nothing further than that. So yeah I weighed 124 lbs tonight. I don't think I'm going to make a weekly goals since I have been failing them and feel unmotiaved by non-existing success. I am just going to try hard. I really did today. I ate a super light dinner and feel hungry. If theres one thing I learned about losing 30 lbs over 4 1/2 months is that feeling hungry before bed is a very good sign that you did a good job. Yeah, yeah. Ideally I'd like to lose these five pounds in three weeks. If I do a really good job it should be about 2 1/2. If I fail...well I won't this time. I'll work hard, and make sure I don't pig out with my boyfriend this weekend. Something I have trouble not doing.

Sunday, 21 November 2010

So happy, So relieved!

I got my work schedule for this week, I am surprised and happy! I got two days, monday and tuesday. Obviously my new availability is finally up! I am so excited :).

This kind of puts my job searching ideas to a screeching halt. Maybe I can make Olive Garden work afterall. Maybe if I am super positive and cooperative, I'll be able to turn things around! I feel all kinds of positive energy flowing and I'm ready to try to make this work.

I still have several concerns fluctuating all over my mind. It's like no matter what I can never relax. -___-. It's a sad part about Rose's life. I don't think I'll be able to relax until I am 70 years old. I do hope that once I graduate pharm/med school and have a job that I can at least relax about money. I hate feeling like I am tight on money. This is why I want a job that pays well, and of course gets lots of respect. Respect is something I never feel like i have enough of. Not that I am a super queen bitch or anything. I am a humble mouse, but I still am a mouse that will not be trodded on. People have taken advantage of me in the past and still try to do it now....but this mouse doesn't put up with much, unless she's getting paid. :P

Anyways this week I have goals and focuses to concentrate on.

Monday: Review for final/test in HS 201....work

Tuesday: Review for final, hopefully work (crossing fingers)

Wednesday: CLEAN CLEAN CLEAN :( /review for final

Thursday: Thanksgiving/ review for final

Friday: Review for final/riley

Saturday: ????/review

Sunday: Harry Potter 7/review.

OTHER INTERESTS: STAY ON TRACK WITH DIET

======================================================================================

okay. So days of specefic concern are Tuesday and Friday/saturday. Tuesday I am worried because OG accidently scheduled four people to work (2 ppl at 4pm) That I am going to be asked to leave :(. NO :(. That is going to make me feel sad after I got happy for having two days so I really hope that doesn't happen

Friday/saturday: I want to spend time with riley but I'm not sure how much time is too much. He wants to do friday/saturday. I have a feeling he is going to ask to spend less time with me somehow as the weekend comes up. Maybe I won't even have to worry about it. I'm not sure if I want to do two whole days with him. What if we get into a fight or get bored with each other. I don't know. I just am not sure if I feel comfortable with it. Maybe if I came over later on friday it would be more managable?

==========================================================================================

GOOD NEWS! New years eve, me and riley have plans to go to maggianos with my family! I am so excited! I love spending holidays with my boyfriend :).

===========================================================================================

I'm not sure if I am going to have time to spend with shelly this week. I am super busy mon-thurs, and she has work friday and sunday. Not sure how this is going to work out.

Saturday, 20 November 2010

Not Feeling As Bad

After all the attempts I made to find a new job I feel like I've been trying. I keep reminding myself that I haven't lost my old job, and that I still have work even if it's not enough hours.

Only bad thing is that I got an 88% on my biology test. I had studied alot harder that any other test and I'm dissapointed that I didn't get at least a 92% which is what I always try to get above.

I feel fidgety and worried about next semester. I need to get good grades. I hope that between HS 201 and Biology that I can average a 3.75. It's looking like a close call and I might not make it.

I keep trying to remind myself. So okay, I might not have the grades to get into medical school. That means medical school is not for me and I should become a pharmacist or something else. And that's okay.